apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
