Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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