I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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