He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
