Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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