just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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