I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
