What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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