My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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