ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
