I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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