Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize