I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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