I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
