HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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