We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
