Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His hands were made for my vagina.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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