We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
