you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
