Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
