i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
