i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Randomize
