I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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