When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And then he peed in my hair
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