his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
