new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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