Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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