Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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