Can i not drive my cunt home
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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