apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
