Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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