dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
