he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
