My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
