Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
