omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
