So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
