Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
