I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
