My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
