What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
