We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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