He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
