i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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