i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You are a genius and a whore.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
