i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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