hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
