i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
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Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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