I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
