Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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