Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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