I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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