I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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