i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
