hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
