Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
