Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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