Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
