I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
